2019 journal entry

Journal entry, summer 2019

“I’m turning 55. Seems hard to believe. I feel more stiff and less physically ambitious, and I need more rest because of how active I am. I also feel extraordinarily healthy and fit. I miss the sense, when a young adult, of not knowing what was going to happen next. At 55 and married for 23 years, it is easy to feel that life is predictable and all laid out and visible. I’ve been working to stay in touch with the fact that the future is still unknown and always will be, and to put in place new interests that can unfold in ways I can’t see — my writing, my long bike trip coming up [Grand Junction to Moab with a group], a significant trip with Tom next year hopefully as well as one with [relative]. I would like to develop more new friendships. I’d like to have a group of women friends to hang out with someday — I only ever see one person at a time.

“I just found out that a friend’s husband has died. She had told me earlier this year that he was very sick. It seems that as we get older, that fact of not knowing what the future holds, instead of being full of intrigue, is an invitation to worry. In one’s mid fifties, ‘not knowing what is going to happen’ invites the thought, ‘One of us could have cancer or a heart attack any day.’ At 29, it was more like, ‘How much sex will we have,’ ‘Will we plan a vacation or have a heart-to-heart talk,’ ‘Will I meet a cute guy at this party,’ ‘Will I like this job.'”

2020: …of course it didn’t occur to me in 2019, “there could be a pandemic, the big trip with Tom is cancelled and seeing a group of friends is ruled out.” I have to admit I would not trade the pandemic for cancer in me or Tom or one of our friends/family. I’m more afraid of cancer being deadly, regardless whether that is factually correct and rational or not.