I had a big crush on…

Maintaining that I hated boys, at twelve, gave me the space to puzzle my feelings out in private. I wouldn’t be some stupid idiot, babbling all day long about some mean boy who would only make fun of me. Instead, I had a big crush (endorsed by my two best friends) on Barry Manilow. One spring day Dani and I were swanning around in front of her house singing “I Write the Songs.” The neighbor lady, Lucy, came out to water her plants.

“Do you like Barry Manilow?” I shouted.

“We love him!” added Dani.

“Barry Manilow? He’s gay!” said Lucy.

Dani and I looked at each other, eyes wide. “No he’s not!” we yelled. “He has a girlfriend!”

“Oh, yes he is! You girls are nuts.” She went on: “Half of those singers are gay. David Booey* is gay. And Elton John, he’s bisexual. He even said so to Rolling Stone magazine.”

We stared at each other in a fizz of confusion. Bisexual? What? Was she serious about any of this? We could believe it about those other guys because, well, just look at them. Big glasses, dyed hair, platform shoes, makeup. But was it really possible that our hardworking, down-to-earth Barry was gay? As in, he’d like to marry a man?

A while later, we walked to the drugstore. The pharmacy assistant, Ken, was a friend of ours. He always let us chatter to him as long as he wasn’t too busy, then sent us on our way.

We found him behind the checkout counter as usual. “Ken!” we exclaimed. “Did you know? Barry Manilow is GAY!”

“What?” he asked in mock horror. My heart sank as he turned around and shouted across the store to the pharmacist. “Mr. Schwab, did you know that Barry Manilow is gay?”

I forgot these conversations within a few days. All marrying and kissing and first base, second base, third base and so on was equally disgusting, so this wasn’t important. I liked Barry’s mushy songs and his piano playing, and he seemed so nice. I wasn’t ready to have a crush on a manly man.

My dad thought Barry Manilow was ridiculous, with his blowdried hair and his large nose, but he liked the song “Mandy.” He said, “I always think of your mom when he says, ‘You came and you gave without taking.’” He said that every time the song came on the radio, which was always on. “Hm,” was all I would say.

*She was referring to David Bowie.